I wonder at this sometimes. Discipleship means dying to yourself, everything, even if it means being martyred for the faith. Why do our hearts get so complacent and lukewarm? I am realizing more and more that the Christian life involves a great deal of suffering. We follow a crucified Savior and there is a cross before a crown. I have been meditating recently on enduring harship. So many times, I endure hardship for my own stupidity and folly. But there will also be hardship when you live righteously. Jesus said if they hated him, will people not hate me? Jesus has come into the world to testify that we are rebellious sinners, and the fallen mind is offended by that. My heart has been hurting deeply for my failures as a leader lately and I think Christ is humbling my arrogance. God opposes the proud but grace to the humble. Loving people means throwing yourself out there to be hurt. I think so many times that I am not called to lead anyone because you can only lead when you have died to yourself. I am still so selfish, foolish, and arrogant still. The opposition gets stronger and stronger as you want to draw near to Christ. I am so tired of my complacency. I am so sorry for ignoring you Lord. Renew me and revive me. I want to feel your presence everyday in my life. If I know you are walking with me, whom should I be afraid of? If I am zealous to see your name glorified, what is there to be afraid of. Guilt and Despair have been overwhelming me lately. I'm sorry to the people I have failed to shepherd to the Great shepherd. My sin has been a hinderance to the gospel and I need to be restored in the grace of Christ. Would you renew me Lord this coming Holy week.